She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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