this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
