I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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