I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She told me I should be a condom model.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
