She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
