I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
