My sheets look like a crime scene.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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