I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
