I am spending my child support on dildos
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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