You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I still have a little drunk in my system
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
