I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
