My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i came on her dog
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize
