There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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