This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
