i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
