It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
