So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
