If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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