Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
