Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
