his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
