No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
