Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
babies were throwing up all over the place
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
