Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
