I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
