My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
