I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
