Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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