I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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