please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
