I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
