I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This house was built for laser tag.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
