The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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