Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
