I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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