The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dignity is for republicans.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
