Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
