Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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