dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
