I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
