"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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