I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
