just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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