someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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