I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
