i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
