she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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