and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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