Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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