in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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