I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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